The coffee consumer with refined tastes. You have your favorite local shop, the barista knows your preferred drink, and she gets your name right one out of every ten visits. Your cutoff point for last coffee of the day is 2pm, otherwise the night terrors take over and Freddy Keurig murders you in your sleep.

The quintessential home barista. You finally upgraded your blade grinder to a conical or flat burr grinder. When you meet someone at a party, your first question is, “Natural or washed?” You drink four cups of coffee a day and suffer from severe caffeine induced anxiety. You comment on every James Hoffmann video, but he still hasn’t replied.

Have faith, ole’ Hoff will slide into your DMs soon...

Your palate is so refined, you can taste a blend with your eyes closed and identify the exact origin of every coffee in it. You’ve alienated your friends and family by insisting coffee is more than a drink. It’s a lifestyle.

You proclaim you hate Instagram yet launch a new account to catalogue all the specialty coffee you're tasting, and brands start mailing you their coffee merch. You carry a titanium cupping spoon in a Japanese crossbody bag.

But when no one’s looking? Whoa buddy, that Iced Caramel Macchiato hits the spot.

You've transcended the limits of the human form and are no longer constrained by three-dimensional physics. Your spirit rejects your physical body and can slip between molecules, dimensions, and processing methods. When you enter a coffee shop, the owner has a competition lot specially sourced and roasted just for you. When you grind coffee, you can hear the altitude it was grown at based on the frequency. James and Lance have you on speed dial to ask for coffee recommendations when they are in town. And sometimes they just want to vent.

You haven't enjoyed a cup of coffee in years.