The coffee consumer with refined taste. You have a favorite local shop, the barista knows your order, and even gets your name right one out of ten times. Your last cup is at 2PM, any later and the night terrors begin, ending with Freddy Keurig murdering you in your sleep.

The quintessential home barista. You upgraded from a blade grinder to conical or flat burrs, and your first question at any party is, “Natural or washed?” Four cups a day have given you severe caffeine-induced anxiety. You still comment on every James Hoffmann video.

The coffee professional with a frighteningly refined palate. You can taste coffee blind and identify its origin, alienating friends and family by insisting coffee isn’t a drink—it’s a lifestyle. You claim to hate Instagram, then launch an account cataloguing every coffee you've tasted. Brands ask you for feedback on their equipment.

You’ve transcended the human form. Your spirit slips between molecules, dimensions, and brew methods. Coffee shops keep picolot competition lots just for you. James and Lance have you on speed dial for recommendations and occasionally just to vent about their followers. You haven’t enjoyed a cup of coffee in years.